The day at work had gone really well. I was being chummy, funny, conversant, and overall having fun!
But, then, as I was walking into the freight room to put away some wrapping stuff, one of the guys was talking about me with another one of the guys. The first guy was stating, quite confidently, that I liked this other guy.
My first reaction was shock, stopping in my tracks. I wanted to burn a whole in the dude! Who in the world does he think he is? He doesn't even know me!! I do not like any guy at this time in my life! I'm very happy being single, and am rather content in my singleness (God is good!!!).
I do know that I'm called to get married and have a family, eventually. But I am so not ready for this in life! Waiting seems like a very good idea to me right now :)
Anyhow, in my shear shock, which rapidly turned into a... ticked off-ness, putting away the packing stuff and marching back out was all I could do to keep from burning a non-literal-hole in the guys' back, with my eyes (yes, apparently, at least according to my younger brother, I do have laser eyes when I'm mad [not angry though])
I don't think I would have minded, so much, if I knew the guys were also Christian's, but thus far my doubts are trumping any hopes of such things.
The feelings I felt following anger were, strangely, that of being degraded. My worth trampled. My person hood depleted as something to talk about, not someone to talk with, in these dudes' minds. This is a rather disgusting feeling!
Sandra Huxtable's line came to my younger brothers' (same one who says I have lasers for eyes) lips:
YOU PREACH IT, GIRL!!!
(Except, I would totally erase the whole "man" thing and replace it with, "guy!")
Now, does this have an actual affect on who I am in Christ?
Not unless I give it a foothold in that door, which I will not!
I've taken to wearing a clay cross with wire twisted around it, on a leather cord, and a pearl on a gold and silver chain, whenever I leave the house any more.
The cross reminds me, personally, that I am nothing more than clay to God - dust particles with His life (water), creating clay, which He will mold into the shape He desires, if I give Him control.
The wire reminds me that in His strong, firm grip, I am safe (attaching the cross to the leather cord), and the cord: 3-strands are not easily broken (God, me and the Holy Spirit - of course Christ, but I talk with God as my Father, and the Holy Spirit is she who gives me wisdom, as stated in Scripture)
The pearl on the silver and gold cord is not as unique, but still personal:
I am HIS pearl of great price!
Being purified, as gold,
and as beautiful as silver...
I suppose another reason why the dudes' words, at work, bugged me so, was that they were based upon my physique (as the past two, "are you dating," questions are). Nothing personal. Not like any one could no, nor would they ask. It's not at all personal, and a rather judgemental statement.
As I'm working, I try so very hard to have the mentality that "in all I do, do it for Christ." Who knows! Maybe I've even entertained an angel or two?
But that simple, short phrase, that verbalization of an idea that had no founding, gave way to doubts in my own head: has everything I've been praying about, striving for in Christ, praying God would be who they see, and I would simply vanish into the decor of pet 'n grocery... Has this all be in vain? Do they see nothing more than a girl? Someone who blushes, maybe too easily, is obnoxiously silent in her job, and works like a fiend?
If so, I might just melt into a puddle of nothingness
and vanish into the void of life!!!
God is good all the time! As I'm sitting at the computer, on Face Book no less, sinking into the most pitiful pits of my interior self (quite narcissistic-ly I might add), a dear sister in Christ replied to a comment I made.
She said something beautiful, bringing new life, meaning and genuine-ity to my pearl necklace.
"Too many people float through life
plugging away, drives me nuts.
You're in there, connected, present,
And God loves that about you!!!
He can use that to touch others.
(You can totally see that kind of light in someone)"
So maybe I'm just totally a dumb, emotionally-oriented girl, but this really struck me as, "Oh! Maybe that's what they are seeing, maybe!!! Maybe I haven't totally screwed up God's plan, and He really is using me, maybe!"
Maybe, maybe, there is, somehow, something God is doing, despite me, possibly even through me!! OOooh, I do hope so! I hope I can keep myself out of the way enough for HIM to work and I
"Disappear... without a trace!"
God richly bless and keep you,
As you too strive to vanish into His creation,
Allowing Him all the glory, allotting Him all that is (for He created it)
And stepping aside so "His will be done! On earth as it is done in Heaven!"
Amen and amen,